The Joke Topic

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Viscen Django
Posts: 40
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2005 12:00 pm

The Joke Topic

Post by Viscen Django » Thu Oct 27, 2005 7:25 pm

Don’t let the title fool you. This is a genuine topic to post jokes and other funny stories in.

Here are two of my favorites.

A guy walks into a bar, leading a buffalo on a rope. He sits down at the counter, ties the buffalo to a stool, sits a shotgun on the counter, and orders coffee. After drinking the coffee, he blasts the buffalo with the gun and leaves.
One day later, the guy walks in again, buffalo and shotgun in tow. He attempts to order coffee.
“We’re sorry,” the waiter says. “We’re still cleaning up from yesterday. What was that about, anyway?”
“I’m training for upper management,” the guy says. “I come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave a mess for others to clean up and disappear for the rest of the day.”

Three notes walk into a bar, a C, an E-flat, and a G. The bartender says that he doesn’t serve minors. So the E-flat leaves and the C and G have a fifth between them.


-\\-Hraesvelgr-//- Sivayth Prioritus

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mr_fan
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 4:57 am

Post by mr_fan » Fri Nov 04, 2005 2:37 pm

k, here u go,
fig#1 I know how to confuse an idiot, see fig#2
fig#2 I know how to confuse an idiot, see fig#1

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Hunt_and_Annoy
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Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2005 1:00 pm

Post by Hunt_and_Annoy » Sat Nov 05, 2005 5:28 pm

Murphy's Laws of Combat
  1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
  3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
  4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
  5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
  6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
  8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
    1. when you're ready for them.
    2. when you're not ready for them.
  9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  10. If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.
  11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
  12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
  13. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
  14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
  16. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
  17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
  19. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
  20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
  21. Friendly fire isn't.
  22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
  23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
  24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
  25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
  26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
  27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
  28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
  29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
  30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
  31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
  32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
  33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
  34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
  35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
  36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  37. Interchangeable parts aren't.
  38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
  39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
  40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
  41. The one item you need is always in short supply.
  42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
  43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
  44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
  45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
  46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
  47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
  48. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
  49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
  50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
  51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
  52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.
  53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
  54. Murphy was a grunt.

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hotshotwithcps4100
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Joined: Tue Jan 25, 2005 1:00 pm

Post by hotshotwithcps4100 » Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:21 pm

Basic Rules for Pilots

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago

-----------------------------------------------------------

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

:D
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